Justine ... the lack of a sentient deity does not have an equals sign connecting it to pointless existance. That argument holds no water. And you are clearly intelligent enough to see past it. I can't think of an atheist I know leading a pointless life or scared of the lack of a hereafter. In fact from my experience atheists are more likely to make someting of their lives as they can't just say ... "well I didn't commit any horrible sins so I've a guaranteed place on cloud 9."
Neither does a prime movement equate with a sentient entity pushing a button or flipping a switch.
You need to consider that "if there is a mind" then malaria is a product of that mind. So is AIDS. So is leukemia. So is your every thought and feeling so you really don't count except as a taxpayer.
I'd suggest you reconsider that new-age nonsense as it is just another form of packaging the same tired concept that "you are not responsible", "someone else is pulling the levers", and "give us your devotion and money."
If you can't practice kindness without some higher being telling you to do so you should check into a clinic and ask for help dealing with your angst and hostility. Sorry if that is harsh but reality need not be warm, fuzzy, and cuddly.
