Why women get away with it? – what every man needs to know (attn: bobbapink too)

Posted by
Eudaemonic Pie on Dec 26, 2001 at 12:52
pppa79-resalecarsoncity1-1r7409.dialinx.net (

Re: Merry Chris-mouse from an Onney Mouse (An Onney Mouse)

You've done your best? It's dangerous whenever a lady says this.

Besides, I don't want "some."

I want it all.

Now, relax. Get comfortable. There must be a full length body pillow nearby, grab that. Because I'm going to tell you an enormous story. But a true one. And since size matters in enormous stories, you must relax and promise never to repeat this story, never tell anyone, and promise especially never to use the following tactic on any male, ever, forever, for it makes men drop to their knees in a helpless protoplasmic spasm. And the fewer women who know these vile trix, the better off men will be.

Whaddya think peacock feathers are for? – plucking?

Here's the deal. When my rascally female-selection selection-exercising vile redheaded wife seduced me, and it was her fault, some 30 years ago, she was a young classics scholar, and I was an emerging scientist, a lover of .. wisdom and biology, finding in biophilia a love and a healing from doing guy things, like serving in the Marines in Vietnam, only to come home and get booby trapped by this tactically proficient booby-trapping woman, see? After several months, almost a year, of very heated – arguments – over whether science or the classics were superior modes of love and knowledge, she finally did it. She did the evil act. The vile pounce of female deception. She whispered in my ear (a true story - gawd how I hate her) – "c'mere, I've got something for you that the entire history of evolution on earth, and your entire study of it, has never, will never, and can never prepare any man for – a classic education .., ‘I, the only surviving nymph, and you my only satyr [breathing omitted here] ... and if you don't behave adequately, I morph into a maenad."

And just to think, she was all mousy before that. :))). Is true.

Now Onney, I was a good man. I knew what nymphs were. I was down with that. And I even knew what "satyr" meant too. So far, so good. And I certain felt adequate. That's how I felt -- but, you know how male feelings can be in the presence of feminine dangers.

I had only one doubt: my classics education never prepared me for a "maenad." So, I had to look it up. And you know how men are asking for directions. I humbled myself. I did look it up. I discovered some old classic stories about how "maenads" are women-figures who literally tore men apart, devoured them, ripped them to shred.

Like vivisection. See? Here, I thought, is where science and the classics merge -- in vivisection.

Well, it's been 30 years, and I'm still here. Only because she's been merciful. She still can't get her science straight tho – damn pomo, lit-crit, soft-and-fuzzy-science, fairy-tale believing, and enormously adequate booby-trapping wench. I don't really want her critical faculties sharpened and improved -- she might dump me. Let her have her classics, I say.

Anyway, something tells me in my deepest heart of hearts, that you don't really need the above story to add to your own mus muscula treasury of tactical tricks, for I have a feeling that you have a head start, even over her, because even if evolution is purposeless, women sure are not.

That's why only bobbapink can save us now, we men. And our single-digit attention spans. But bobbapink ain't comin' through, see? We're had. Goners.

Now, I'm gonna be watching you closely Mouse. If you repeat the above story to any women, just any woman at all, then I'll assemble men folk and retaliate – by doing what all good men need to do; scratch, lie, deny, invent self-justifying stories about how it wasn't me who gave you more tactical advantages (blame it on bobbapink), then sit there in a drunken stupor and hope the maenads never to show up.


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