Kyra, you are so close to the "reality" of things. I wish I could bridge the gap between the this and that for you. There is solace for you, however, and I hope it comes sooner rather than later. "Ha"! There is a highly esteemed scientist, David Joseph Bohm who dealt extensively about the concerns you have. He was working on something he called the "implicate and explicate" order. He discusses it liberally in the publication "A Conversation In Physics" by Routledge & Kegan Paul. You would identify with Bohm totally and I highly recommend you look up his work.

Good Luck!