Rob asks:
"Blacknad, do you have schizophrenia?"

Blacknad ... this is the second person here, in the short time we have known you, that has thought this out loud.

You really should seek competent psychiatric intervention.

I don't say this as an insult but because you are, even in this controlled environment, causing people to question your mental health and successful treatment is quite common.

If what you've said of your past is true, and I've no reason to doubt you, your self assessment of your situation should not be trusted. Least of all by you.

DA Morgan